It’s been a while since my last blogpost, and to be frank I really didn’t know if I wanted to keep a blog anymore… But with all the changes going on on the instagram and social media I think it’s a good thing I didn’t get rid of it..
Even though I’m not yet very clear about my intentions for the blog, I am starting to feel the urge to create a safe place to share some of my creative life, struggles, and findings.
Also I feel like I could inspire others by sharing a bit more in depth about the processes I’m going true in life. Not because I think my life is that amazing and inspiring, but more because I feel the urge to share a bit more about the shadow side of my life, and how embracing the shadow side is helping me to see the light..
Looking back at all the things I’ve been true in the last 12 years (since the birth of my first child) it’s been such an amazing ride, but somehow a lot of that time I couldn’t feel the amazement. I’ve fought so hard to get here, that somehow I haven’t really been able to enjoy it.
But that’s changing since my so called almost burn-out two years ago (thanks covid!!! talking about finding the light because of the shadow 😉
This experience literally pushed me in a position where I realised something had to change, not in the physicality’s of my life, but in the way I was pursuing my path. What I mean by that is that I wasn’t living in this moment, but always in the past or in the future. The responsibility of having kids was weighing so much on my shoulders, that I couldn’t really enjoy the magic that was happening right under my eyes. Not that I didn’t know it was there, I just didn’t really feel it!
I blamed myself for not being a good mom since I didn’t enjoy motherhood the way I expected. I did continue my life as best as I could, holding on to the way I believed a good mother should behave. Then one day in the middle of the first lock down something snapped, and there I was laying on the kitchen floor crying like a baby, barely breathing (that’s what I thought) with three kids standing around me trying to fix their mother.
That day on the floor in the kitchen something snapped never to be repaired, but to be rebuild with a better foundation.
Since that moment I started searching for ways to build my foundation, I didn’t really know at the start that that was what I was doing, but I just started searching for a different approach. I had already done therapy in my younger years and I felt like this was not the way to approach this. It’s always been in my nature to over analyse things, so I felt it was time to handle this differently.. A very special friend recommended me to do a mindfulness training, and since this was something I had already thought about many times I immediately booked one.
It changed my viewpoint in life.
Not immediately, it took some time to sink in, slowly but surely I realised I wasn’t a bad mother or a weak wife. I was just looking at things from the wrong perspective, I was over analysing everything with my mind and therefor forgot to connect with my feelings, and by just changing that my life started getting more color.
From the outside it doesn’t look like much has changed in my life, I’m still the enthousiast woman that likes to say yes to many great things, that has amazing kids, and a very stable husband. But from the inside It finally feels like I can see what is there.. Not only do I see more color, maybe more importantly I can feel more color, now when my kids come home from school I can truly feel and see their gorgeous energy, because I’m being in that moment with them..
Of course I’m still working on being in the present everyday, because it’s easy to get lost in the future or the past, definitely when hormones highjack my emotions. But man is it a beautiful thing to realise that by the simple motion of changing your perspective life can be such a different thing.
I now feel like I can’t forse things, things will happen only at the right time for me. And I’m trying to rebuild my foundations on trust. And there’s so much more to discover about connecting to your feelings or your deeper self, that I can’t wait for this year to happen.
I’m already in the midst of another process to grow and connect deeper into my higher self, that I can’t wait to share more about as well (but that’s a story for another time)
For now I just want to wish you a happy new start ( i know it’s already half of januari, but hey everyday can be a new start you know 🙂 And thanks for following my journey!
big hugs Hanneke
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